What to say to someone who's lost a job

I noticed several folks out there coming to my site searching under "what to say when someone loses their job?" Well, what a great opportunity for me to help you through that awkward moment, which you're more likely to experience as more join the ranks of the unemployed every day. And, remember, I speak with the voice of experience as covered in the post What to do when you've lost a job and the sequel,  What to do when you've lost a job—more info. (Clever title, that one!)  NOTE: This just in...one more great resource re: social networking and your job search see Job Search 2.0 !

Here are my thoughts on the "what to say" question. First,  I'm going to assume you know the newly jobless person well enough to consider them a friend. If they are just an acquaintance, just practice good listening skills and offer your empathy. Second, I am limiting this to a top ten list, because I could write about this all day. Being a "jobless" household has become the most interesting life experience and I only wish I had a hidden camera to capture the variety of reactions we receive to our "status" on any given day. But all life experiences can be harvested for significant learning opportunities. Here's some of what I've learned:

1.     When you get the news your friend lost a job, head right over! Your friend has just suffered a pretty significant dose of rejection, no matter how it is dressed up in realistic terms, or how they can rationalize it logically...they likely feel "dumped." They need the comfort of friends and to know that they are still wanted. Our friend Pat rushed over with Greg's favorite beer and the latest edition of "What Color is Your Parachute." Awesome dude! Thank you!!

2.     If you've been in their shoes, please share your experience. Our friends Kathy and Brian had us over for dinner and consolation based on Brian's real life experience. Because neither Greg nor I had ever been without a job—and because Greg really had no idea how to begin looking—this provided invaluable solace. So if you can offer strategy mixed with a bit of sympathy...that's great. Just remember to listen first and offer advice second. Brian was incredibly gifted in that regard and I, as the spouse, wasn't. It was a great learning experience for me to witness someone do it well. If you haven't ever been unemployed yourself, please don't hesitate to be present anyway. See rule #1.

3.     Please don't offer help and not follow through. And don't act interested if you're not. That is like pretending to throw a life preserver to a drowning man. If you haven't ever lost a job, you have no idea how frightening it can be, initially. 

4.    Share your network—because you never know where the degree of separation between your jobless friend and your acquaintance with the perfect job opportunity might occur.

5.     Offer to read the friend's resume and cover letters. An objective perspective and one more set of eyes for proofreading always helps. If you have experience conducting interviews, offer to do a mock interview just to get your friend through the jitters. Sure, there are job coaches for that, but friends are free and will have a beer with you afterward.

6.     Provide social opportunities. It's highly likely that your friend was used to answering his or her cell phone frequently every hour for some work related call. And he or she may have felt like a slave to an inbox that is now eerily empty of urgent emails. So help your friends remember their value beyond their jobs.

7.     Think of something else to talk about. When they have an update, they will tell you.

8.     Don't judge how they use their resources. Their income sources and money management aren't your business and they don't need the additional burden of friends wondering why they keep their cleaning service on top of everything else they're battling. (Actually, you shouldn't judge anyway. You certainly don't want to go through life defending the ways you choose to distribute your money, do you?)

9.     If you want to know what's going on with the jobless individual, ask them, not their spouse. The spouse might want to think about something new and might have a lot on his or her own plate that is noteworthy. Note: personally, I love my friends and family for balancing interest in me with interest in Greg—but for some people, it can begin to be exhausting to have their identity transformed into the "spouse of the victim" role. 

10.     It's not contagious. It is a grieving process and the stages—just as Kubler-Ross defined them—are remarkably similar. Anyone who has helped a friend through great loss certainly is prepared to help with this situation. You just need to be patient. You need to be present. You need to remember "this too shall pass," and in the end, the friendships that have weathered such a storm will be all the better for it.

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Posted by Mimi Meredith at 3/2/2009 12:21 PM
Categories: Relationship building,Communication
Tags: job loss communication friendship
 

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