I was people watching at a popular local restaurant where business folk meet, greet and form relationships. Because I have a vivid imagination, I enjoy spinning stories to go with the exteriors of people as part of my people-watching prowess. Yesterday, the things I observed made me want to line everyone up to go over some things their mothers, mentors or bosses obviously forgot to tell them. We've gotten a little lax in the last few years about reminding people of basic rules for polite engagement...we don't like rules. But the fact is, good manners exist to form the basis of good relationships. Those who naturally imbue their behavior with gracious care of others are the kind of people like to be around. I'm no rocket scientist, but I think that is an important quality if one wants to form successful relationships.

If someone would like to offer a grant for me to study this in a manner that would prove statistically reliable, I'd love to. But for now, let's just take a look at some things that might be true in the bigger world, and which remain as undeniable facts in Mimi's World.

1.     Your electronic communication device should be down and off prior to meeting others. I witnessed one man who came in, met another man for the first time for what appeared to be a business lunch meeting—or a church meeting—the purpose doesn't matter. What bugged me was that the younger man (who appeared to be somewhat self conscious, so in my mind I made him a salesperson or a job candidate) began scrolling through messages on his blackberry while they waited for their table. The second man looked a little puzzled. He attempted to let the first man go ahead of him to the table, but the dude was so busy looking down at his Blackberry that he missed the gesture entirely. Luckily, he looked up in time to follow the older man to their table.

Focusing on anything outside the situation gives people who feel awkward a crutch, so cell phones and palm devices are perfect. But I don't believe that's the intended purpose of those electronics, is it? Unless someone is texting you to ask for the deactivation code for a nuclear warhead, there is nothing more important than the people you are with. Your hands should be free...to grip another in an introductory handshake; to pull out a chair; to catch yourself if you fall; to gesture when you talk...whatever! There shouldn't be a cell phone in your hand when you are meeting someone for business! And I hope you think enough of your friends that you put it away when you're with them, too! Your own anxiety will dissipate when you focus on the other. So quit worrying about looking through your important messages and worry about the importance of the moment—which is the other human or humans you are with!

Sorry. Was I ranting? If you have a valid reason that your Blackberry is more important than your fellow humans, you just write back and tell me how wrong I am.

2.     Gum. Hello!! It's not that I'm afraid you will stick it under the table or drop it on the ground outside the restaurant because I do think you know better. What you might not know is that no one—not eve Brad Pitt—looks his or her best chewing gum. So when you are in a situation where you've worked to look your best in other ways, don't ruin the effect with public mastication. It's not impressive and if you are a snapper and clicker of gum, it falls back into the rude category. (Because no one should hear you—whether you're popping your knuckles, chewing your gum or ice, or finishing your all important cell phone call in our presence—we get to wait for our table or ride the elevator with you in the dignity of shared public space! You can do what you want to in your own space.)

3.     Bags, books and babbling. Earlier this week, I was waiting for a friend for lunch and watched two women with a man they were calling on as part of a fundraising campaign. Since this is my former world, I know all the signs and this was more than an educated guess. The man looked comfortable and at ease. Both women looked like they were ready for a week long trip. They had crowded their huge purses and their brief cases into a chair and they were spilling onto the table. They each had a portfolio on the table and one had a binder open at her place. That was bad, but worse, was that one of the women talked incessantly about herself and her home improvement projects. I wasn't eavesdropping, infact, I had chosen the patio seating because I sought peace. But her voice was so loud and the pitch was so high, that every table on the patio was privy to the fact that her husband broke things at thier house and she fixed them. I even know what her home improvement priorities are and where she shops in Tucson. I don't know what the others at the table said, because I never heard them...which is perfect. Here's what I would have told those women if they were part of my team:

a.     Take a small portfolio to a lunch meeting if you have to take notes or take a small note pad in a purse. My recommendation for business meetings is to leave the purse out of the equation if possible. The less baggage you have, the better. It lightens your load and leaves you free to...
b.     Focus on others. Unless someone directly asks you a question about your life, this is not story time about you. You are there representing a company, a cause, a product—you are the messenger and thus you are secondary. The spotlight should shine on your lunch guest. Ask questions. Listen carefully. Ask follow up questions. Listen carefully. State understanding. Seek clarification. You should spend far less time talking and more time listening.
c.     If you're a loud talker, practice modulating your voice. Either hire a voice coach, or research how to improve your speaking voice. Click here for some simple steps for public speaking that can help you get started. Just remember that the keys for interpersonal conversation are low, moderate and less. Big talkers who talk a lot are only fun at barbecues.
d.     Lunch meetings are not a good place to make an ask or close a sale. You aren't in control of the environment, which offers too many distractions and interruptions. If you have material that requires schlepping in binders and files, you should be in a conference room. The first purpose of lunch meetings is to form relationships over...lunch...which is generally served on the table at most establishments. And no waiter should be responsible for moving around your luggage to serve you.

Finally...here's a thought on the briefcase/luggage issue. You may feel that you need to haul all that stuff around with you to be prepared, but ask yourself when was the last time you actually reached in there to pull out something you had to deliver immediately? In this day and age, you can surely email someone a file. It's a great excuse for follow up and it makes you look more polished, professional and calm when you travel lightly. It also reduces shoulder strain. And ladies, if you must carry an enormous bag slung over your shoulder, please know that you are responsible for the injuries it inflicts on those around you as you move through crowded spaces. What on earth do you have in there that you couldn't leave at the office?

I will write more tomorrow about how to behave when you get to the lunch table, the conference table or across the desk. Before you know it, you will feel at ease and comfortable and the world will be a more peaceful place when we all gather together.