Change your heart
"I'll say 'sorry' if he does!"
It was the typical retort of childhood standoffs. No one wanted to be the first to apologize or to yield his or her position. Have you changed all that much? I'm trying.
I realize, particularly as it relates to my marriage, that a tiny shift in my heart hold—those attitudes I carry at the core of my being as truths—can make space for new growth, even after 25 years. And in every other relationship, seeking first to understand, first to forgive, first to begin again brings an expansion of spirit and perspective unlike any other practice. So why don't we do it?
Here are some of my thoughts on why...
1. The Golden Rule: ""Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Luke 6:31.
We think that means we should treat others the way we'd like to be treated. But if you pay attention to the way Jesus lived his life, his was a platinum rule lifestyle—he met others where they were and gave them what they most needed—not necessarily what he would have wanted himself. I may not want you to treat me the way you would like to be treated. Imagine how your heart feels when someone takes the time to treat you just the way you like to be treated, even...or especially...if they don't like the same thing.
Every major religion has its own interpretation of the Golden Rule. But understanding how to truly put another first takes time and sacrifice. If you do so, what might you find? What might you lose? Is the risk too great? Let me know.
2. Comfort. We're comfortable with the preconceptions we have in our relationships. We know who our spouse/parent/sister/boss/neighbor is. We've come to our conclusions. We have neither the time nor the desire to learn more—especially if we learn we have held onto some wrong conclusions for all these years. That makes us uncomfortable. We don't like that.
3. Change. Allowing our defenses to drop long enough to change our hearts toward another is so difficult. We put up all sorts of barriers as to who deserves forgiveness...who merits a second round of consideration. But Mahatma Gandhi said we must be the change we want to see in the world. So, do you want the world to be more understanding? Understand. Do you want the world to be at peace? Practice peace? Do you want the world to be more loving? Make space in your heart and love everyone. That's right, everyone.
And don't fake it either. No good comes from false sentiment.
That's right...you read it here on the site where goodness can be found everywhere. Goodness is in every heart. But it only grows from hearts that are open.
Grow on my friends.
Posted by Mimi Meredith at 1/12/2010 1:03 PM 
Categories: Life Balance,Relationship Building
Tags: Relationships Mahatma Gandhi Forgiveness Marriage Acceptance
Categories: Life Balance,Relationship Building
Tags: Relationships Mahatma Gandhi Forgiveness Marriage Acceptance
Bravo to each of these points, Mimi!
I would even add one more and perhaps call it Assumptions. Are you inadvertently assuming that your spouse (friend, business partner...) can read your mind...or that you can read theirs? It's easy to do, especially after a long time together. I caught myself doing this after about 15 years of marriage (we just celebrated #37) and was letting myself be hurt by words that I THOUGHT were belittling. I hate confrontation, so I didn't say anything, but just let it eat away at my relationship.
Someone finally taught me to say calmly, "It sounded like you said ________, and that really was hurtful because ______." Immediately, my spouse replied, "No, that's not what I meant at all, and I would never mean to hurt you! What I meant was ________." Thus we could talk things through and understand each other.
So we need to learn to at least offer the opportunity for clarity before we get hurt or angry. For me, it was like a miracle, and I was ashamed that I had wasted so much emotion on what was all a misunderstanding!
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Amen, Amen! Ah...if only I had some cardiovascular benefit from all the jumping to conclusions in which I engage! Thanks for this great exercise, Elizabeth! M
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Oh Mimi, beautifully spoken from a quiet loving heart. Suzy
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A long time ago a friend of mine was telling me about a conversation he'd had with his grandfather, or uncle, I can't remember which, but he was asking this relative about his 65 year-long marriage. What was the secret?
The relative said, "I don't push her buttons, and she doesn't push mine."
Bravo! I've never forgotten that. Because especially in long term relationships we know eachother's hot buttons and sometimes push them anyway. Why? What a waste. Resist! Resist!
Stephanie Angelo
www.hressential.com
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So true, Stephanie! And chances are, in any long-term relationship, we also likely know what is most comforting to the other, yet we are reluctant to comfort until we're comforted. All this knowledge and we still misuse it! Thanks for pointing out these tendencies. I'll keep working and resisting the temptation to use anything I know about another for anything but good purposes!
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