Say What You Need to Say
What does more damage, the things we say or the things left unsaid?
Today, I'm going with things left unsaid. They can erode relationships, bring committee work to a grinding halt and sabotage even the best-built businesses.
Remember what we learned to ask ourselves before we say something: Is it good? Is it kind? Does it improve the silence?* Well, sometimes, I think we confuse kindness with preventing hurt feelings. We anticipate how a person may feel in response to a statement or situation; we conclude that they may be hurt and so we just don't say it. If you're angry or irritated, that policy is an excellent choice. But there are other situations—like when the Emperor isn't really wearing any clothes—when the short term result of wounded pride and hurt feelings might be worth the long term benefit of avoiding serious public humiliation.
And it's not just our versions of the truth (and please remember...it's just your version of the truth. No single individual can see the entire truth) that needs to be said.
We need to seek clarity, "So, do you mean...?"
We need to be brave and build bridges, "Have I hurt you...?"
We need to risk exposure, "There's an idea I'd like to share with you..."
And every day we need to say, "I love you," even if we're saying it out loud so the echoes come back to our own hearts and bless us with the power only love contains. But imagine if that power were shared with all those on the fringes of our lives...those coworkers and neighbors, the family and friends we just never think to tell I love you. Don't leave those words unsaid.
Click Here for a little soundtrack to accompany these thoughts today.
*Thanks to Susan Mathers Valach for sharing that with us in the comments on What's Good About Gossip?
Posted by Mimi Meredith at 2/3/2010 8:12 AM 
Categories: Life Balance,Relationship Building
Tags: Relationships Communication Listening
Categories: Life Balance,Relationship Building
Tags: Relationships Communication Listening
Interesting post Mimi...definitely a cause to stop and reflect on past conversations and food for thought for future ones...maybe not saying what is on your mind at the time is somewhat selfish as I think most people want to know the truth - whether it hurts or not - it's still the truth. Cheers,
Andy
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I couldn't agree more, Andy. It is one of those "short term pain for long term gain" issues when we are willing to share the truth of the moment in order to build the relationships that last. Of course, the essential step after sharing, is listening with care to hear the rest of the truth and the greater perspective that actually leads us to understanding. Then we all win! Thanks for sharing. M
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John Wesley left us United Methodists with three simple rules: "Do no harm. Do good. Stay in love with God." See Reuben Job's little booklet "Three Simple Rules" expanding on these. Many of our churches have used the study guide that goes with it. We used it for a Lenten study during Lent of 2009. If every word we say is thoughtfully spoken following the first of these rules, must damage can be not done, let alone undone. It sort of goes with the "May the Words of my Mouth and the Meditations of my Heart be Acceptable. . .
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That "thoughtfully spoken" is key...for individuals and organizations. Thanks so much for the good Wesley insights, Margaret Mary!
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Great post! We are all communicating all of the time . . . even when words aren't spoken. I thought of Reba McEntire's song "Consider me gone" and the line - what you're not saying is coming in loud and clear. Yes, I enjoy country music - anway, good subject to think about and try to improve upon. Thanks for bringing the thought up today.
As I read the post earlier you mentioned wishing you could get the Bloomin Blog community together . . no silence here - My Eating Well blog community had a weekend event that people could attend and meet. So, Miss Mimi - I think a weekend should be planned in your sunshine state for a motivational weekend that people could come and meet and visit and grow together!!! (I'm always up for you hosting) Of course, in the winter when we could enjoy your sunshine and we could actually pay to enjoy you...just a thought. Hugs, Julie
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Love that Reba McEntire line, Julie! Okay...a Bloomin' Retreat in Sunny Phoenix, eh? Or maybe in the Montana Mountains in the summertime...Let me test the water and see if I build it, if people will indeed come.
For those of you who don't know Julie, she is one of the primary reasons my first book, Blooming Where You're Planted, came to pass. She simply told me that if I didn't publish the blog posts, she would do it herself. So you can probably understand...I'm thinking I might have to actually put my event planning hat on!
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Mimi,
God must have sent you to say this to me! I've so been struggling with wanting to spew and retaliate lately...I write the letter, then rip it up... Sue says, don't send it unless you know it's what you want to say and you won't have regrets... so, I sit and remain silent. I want the world to know what has been done to me, but then I remember...it's not going to make a difference, people believe what they believe and hear what they want to hear... Thanks for the insight and the reminder of how we are to conduct ourselves with dignity and honor.
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Robin: A great reminder, "people believe what they want and hear what they want to hear". Very well put. I too, have thought about writing that letter to get things off my chest. I remember what my Mom told me once - write the email (letter), then come back to it a few days later. Will it matter then? Will the words still be as hurtful? Will it make a difference? Probably NOT - just delete it or like you did Robin, rip it up!
Mimi, you always have such a way of knowing what needs to be said and when. This was such a timely subject. As always, Thank you Mimi!!
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Just to play devil's advocate a bit here.....and I am all for communicating effectively, face to face, etc....in God's way of course. I do think it is important to know that how you feel has value and is significant. You also need to be at peace with how you feel. It is important to say, 'my feelings were hurt'....otherwise it goes unsaid and well Mimi said it best already. It is just the manner is which you say things. So cool to connect with Montana friends again and I would love to meet up for a weekend of growth!!!
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Thank you, Lori! I think this retreat may just take shape yet! M
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Great wisdom from you and your mom, Danna. I think this Bloomin' Blog community is a great place to find good insights and wisdom old and new. Thank you!
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Robin, all each of us can do is our best. And I think you do a beautiful job of shouldering an incredible burden with dignity and grace. You are heard. Everyday. Every painful memory is understood completely and you have abundant grace and acceptance poured out. I can just imagine God saying, it's okay now. I've got hold of you. My sincere prayer is that the love and understanding you seek from others will someday follow. Until then, I hope you know how much you are loved.
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Thanks Mimi,
I love that this blog gives me a safe place to speak! It also makes me stop and think a lot. Thanks for making this available to me. Love you too!
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Great blog! Here's something else to consider. When we leave things unsaid, we leave others to interpret our silence and come up with an interpretation we did not intend to give. This leads not only to eroded relationships but a destruction of trust.
Building trust is one of the hardest things to do, and yet it is so simple to destroy! So the challenge is to find ways to speak our minds in ways that are positive and supportive but still convey our viewpoint and maintain the trust we work so hard to build.
Also, we always have the choice to accept or reject the viewpoint - or explore how it can help us get closer to our own goals and achievements.
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Exactly, Marcy! As Miguel Ruiz says in the Four Agreements, "Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings , sadness and drama." He also goes on to explain that assumptions are what we reach in an absence of good communication. For me personally, an individual choosing assumptions over working to understand me (and sometimes, I can be hard work!) is a huge violation of my trust. The willingness to risk open communication and to listen to one another with all our hearts is always difficult. And it's always worth it. Thanks so much for bringing up the importance of building and maintaining trust.
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I think that to get the home loans from banks you must present a firm motivation. However, once I've received a car loan, because I wanted to buy a car.
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